I remember feeling so disconnected.
Disconnected from myself; my emotions and my body. Almost like someone had switched off my heart and brain-centre overnight.
Disconnected from my baby, my older son the second time and my fur-baby.
As soon as day 5 post-birth rolled in, a switch was flicked (now I know that it was the change in pregnancy to breastfeeding hormones that triggered this switch) and I had left the building.
No heart or brain connection at all.
I remember feeling like there was not anything that anyone could say or do to make me feel better or to change any of it.
I truly saw no light at the end of the tunnel, any future ahead or any glimpses of hope for me.
I did the basic functions with my babies, in a very robotic, ‘going with the motions’ kind of way. But not with any joy or feeling attached.
Completely different to now, even if I am having a frustrating time with a toddler and 3 boys (remember my fur-baby Ruphus!), I still have emotion and connection to all that is…even if it is not ‘Instagram worthy’! My heart can feel all the emotions and I could just cry thinking of the love and joy that I feel towards my boys now.
Yet, even in the midst of all of these horrendously dark thoughts, not once did I realise that it was the disease of post-natal depression that was causing all of these thoughts.
I believed that my regret and disconnection were so unbelievably real and tried to convince all those around me that I had made the biggest mistake and that I would be stuck/frozen in this broken-state forever.
The irony was that it was the biochemistry that ensued from having my baby which is what was wreaking havoc on my body, mind and soul.
I didn’t realise even for a second that by taking action and seeking treatment that I could actually stop all of this. Every single minute of suffering could stop.
- The feeling like I could not breathe.
- The feeling like I could not eat a morsel of food with zero appetite.
- The inability to sleep even a wink. No matter how hard I tried.
- The feeling of having a mountain of knives sitting on my chest, every second of every day.
- The feeling of my brain being in a thick muddy fog.
- The feeling like I was suffocating and drowning all at the same time.
- The feeling of such disconnection from this gorgeous, divine and beautiful baby that was the picture of perfection; my dream baby in my arms.
- No joy. No heart. No emotion. No connection to anything.
Yet, when I spoke up and sought the treatment that I required to correct my completely distorted biochemistry; all of my symptoms stopped.
Most importantly, my connection returned and in abundance!
My heart could feel again!!!
I felt a soul connection to my baby boys the moment I ‘sparked’ back to life and I felt so connected to all of life. I loved every moment with him.
I felt like we had experienced such profound darkness and despair, that through contrast I could only savour all the moments of perfection and absolutely devour them all as being sacred and perfect.
At the time I would not have believed anyone telling me that I would get better and that I would feel like me. Even the second time, after knowing that I had recovered the first time!
I suffocated in the not knowing…if, how and when I would get better.
So, let me tell you, after going through it twice and recovering both times; that you WILL get through this beautiful Mama!
There IS light at the end of the tunnel and this is the illness speaking and acting out…but it can and will stop, as soon as you acknowledge how you are feeling and seek whatever treatment you need.
The love and connection will come back. I absolutely promise you and it feels AMAZING.
I want to shout the message of hope from the rooftops that there is so much connection and beautiful moments in life to savour on the other side of this condition.
It is the condition that is making you feel this way, in the same way gestational diabetes makes your blood glucose levels rise. In the same way that pre-eclampsia can elevate your blood pressure. It IS a physiological condition that occurs, sometimes with no pre-existing factors. Awareness that this is the condition, will allow you know that just like other physiological conditions, you can and will get better!
Every breath that I take has my children etched within it now. It is actually as the cliché says of watching your heart beating on the outside when you look at them. I love them with every cell within my being…and it feels so much sweeter comparing it to the disconnection that I felt within my darkness. (They still push my buttons…but you know what I mean!!)
The sooner that you take that step forward, the sooner you will feel your heart centre again and step into your joy with your children.
You deserve that.
Your children and family deserve it too…It is available to you too…so please hold on and speak up beautiful Mama.